The Project of the Day at the Hebrew Home for the Aged was, “Try to create something from memory”.
Are you ready? It’s time to teach you premature ejaculation control and how to avoid premature ejaculation anxiety.
First of all, you need to be very relaxed. You don’t want to ever enter a bedroom jittery, anxious, or carrying a ‘loaded gun’. And the only surefire way to reeee…llllaaaaaxxx is to release the flood gates! You know, before you leave the house you need to ‘choke the chicken’, or add some more hair to those palms. Sometimes you may even need to wait around a bit before you leave, replenish the fury and release again!
Believe me, your partner will appreciate and desire the cool, calm and collected you. And since you are pretty much spent, you have more time for foreplay. How are they not going to love that…? You big tease, you.
Second of all, you need to get your mind right. Your thought process. If you want to ride that ass like Bronco Billy, you gotta get your mind off of that beautiful ass and try to focus on something boring like politics. You know, like one of John McCain’s political speeches with Sarah Palin. Well, maybe not Sarah Palin, because even though her speeches are boring, she is quite good-looking. Wouldn’t want you little dickheads to get excited. But I mean, you gotta Get Your Head In The Game – because sexual performance is very mental.
Think baseball. But with a high yet realistic performance. Go to bat with the attitude of hitting a ‘double’…a ‘stand-up double’, that is. You ever want to get the crowd roaring, you hit a stand-up double and just listen to the crowds’ reaction… An applause level a mere second to a home run! When you hit a stand-up double you didn’t just get on base, you made a statement! That sexual performance told your partner, “Look, this was easy! I could smack-the-shit-out-of whatever you pitch. I could’ve went for ‘three’ but I didn’t want to risk getting my clothes dirty”. That stand-up double is what you need! The stand-up double is the only hit in baseball that states ‘arrogance’, period. Remember, ‘swagger’ is only a distant cousin to arrogance.
Never go to bat just hoping to get on first base. Because most of the time you’ll never get around to score. That’s almost like paying for dinner and a movie and just getting a good night kiss, and no future call backs. Fuck that! The bitch has probably got bad breath from talking-our-ears-off all night anyway. But if you hit that stand-up double, and still didn’t get around to home plate, believe me, you got something well worth it… like a ‘no holds bar’ trip down below to get a good whiff of that ass! Not even caring if it had a slight odor, ‘cause we just use that as ‘dick hard’ aroma, anyway. But no worries, you willstyle alone. get a second chance just on
Remember, you’re not “Stay-Hard” Steve, or Long John Silver, so don’t go in with unrealistic expectations like hitting a ‘triple’, or a ‘home run’. You’re still a student. Your sexual dysfunction problems volunteered you to seek help from the Penis Guru, and take part in the Small Penis 101 class.
So, like I said little penis envy dickheads; Get Your Head In The Game! ‘Cause if you allow years and years to go by without switching-up your game your self-esteem and sexual esteem is gonna sink to an all-time low. Soon, if not already, you’ll start to feel like damaged goods. Not to worry, though. You can join my soon to come ‘Damaged Goods Dating Service’. It’s for those who know they’re a ‘good catch’, yet there’s just something about them that other people could really be turned off by.
QUIET! Students. Class is in session… Today’s topic: Premature ejaculation.
Oh great. Another thing that can completely ruin the entire sexual escapade. As if having a little dick wasn’t bad enough, here we go with something even worse. Man I’m telling you, that’s got to be worth two strikes right there, along with two free tickets to the little dick club for sexual dysfunction. Why can’t we cure something as common as the common cold? If I had the answer you think I’d be sittin’ here tryin’ to blog-out this to you little dick-heads?
But I, the Penis Guru, does feel for you. So, no problem, it’s good to know you penis envy guys are trying to confront these real issues. What we have here is little or no ‘penis control’ that has evolved into premature ejaculation anxiety. Which is terrible, because good sexual performance depends on the absence of premature ejaculation anxiety.
That’s why I wrote the book PENIS ENVY: 101 Things To Do If You Think Your Penis Is Too Small. With the issue of premature ejaculation being one of the main focal points.
There’s a few things you could do about it:
You could look in the dictionary to find the true meaning of premature ejaculation and meditate on it.
You could risk major embarrassment by telling your friends about your big little penis problem.
Or you could even consult a doctor about it. I mean, pay a doctor about it because there won’t be much consultation-ish about it. In many cases he’s just gonna prescribe you drugs that’s going to dig in your wallet just about every time you have sex.
Ain’t that a bitch. The medical industry has yet found another way to ‘dick you down’ before you ‘dick down’ someone else. A vicious money cycle that replenishes itself solely on low self-esteem about sexual performance. Now that’s genius; prescribing medication and nobody’s sick. Not to mention these drugs are mentally addictive, with multiple side effects.
Or, you could just read my book and prosper in your sexual endeavors.
Seventeen dollars to improve your low sexual esteem and your partner’s pleasure is a bargain ‘understatement’. The Penis Guru should charge you little dickheads a lot more! And create my own cash cow. I mean, you do nothing but bombard me by the thousands with your silly, but highly relevant questions.
Sometimes what I’d really like to do is round-up all you little dickheads into a gathering chamber to form one big dickhead. Then you’d feel confident to soar the skies and land in any bedroom you desired. Hell, you’d score an ‘A+’ just on presence alone. But I don’t want to build a ‘gang’ – do you really need every Tom, Dick and Harry to hold your hand in the bedroom?
But the Penis Guru is rather a ‘softie’ that can easily transform into a hard-ass when it comes to educating the penis envy dickheads like you. So what I’m going to do for my students is teach you premature ejaculation control and how to avoid premature ejaculation anxiety.
But right now I’m going for my own escapade with a hottie… so tune in next time for my Penis Control advice that actually will help…